Things I Hate……. At the Poker Table!

One of the greatest things about the internet is online poker, the ability to play a game of cards without listening to some brain-dead old degenerate endlessly bang on about the time he lost a 53/47 and ended up living on digestive biscuits until his new pension payment

The People I hate….

Those fat fuckers who can’t go more than 7 minutes without ordering another plate of food, why do you go to a poker room to eat? the human body can go more than a few hours without the need to gorge, Why must they always eat Chicken Wings? the greasiest fucking food possible, not to mention the stupid fuck gets chicken grease all over the cards which have to be changed every other orbit.


The angry old Nit. You seem him at every £1/£2 table (or whatever the lowest table limit in the room is) and he’s always fucking raging, he has no clue about how maths and randomness works he just thinks everyone is playing against him (including the dealer), no one knows why this cunt continues to play, he’s not a winner and he sure as hell isn’t having fun, maybe he’s just there for the entertainment of the table drunks.


The Angry Professor, usually late or middle aged, he’s had a few years live experience and watched a few episodes of High Stakes Poker and thinks he’s a fucking expert on everything poker, worse still he insists on telling the donks of the table where they went wrong, why in the world would you tell someone who’s giving you there money how to play better and give you less money!


The Young Whippersnappers. Usually betwen the ages of 18-21 they’ve seen there heros on the TV  or the ‘YouTube’ and want to recreate the experience, often they will be wearing a hoodie with a vague reference to some  pokersite which probably got shutdown for fraud, they will always be leaning far back on their chair with a pair of fucking ridiculously shit ‘beats’ blasting open so shitty top 40s pop bollocks. But the worst thing is the time they take, fucking 2 minutes to decide wether to fold 39o UTG, they then take a glimpse at where the camera ought to be as they toss their cards in to the much (50% of the time the cards hit an obstacle and flip over)

The Donkhaters. Every live table has at least a few donks, people who just rock up at the casino with a few £100 and want to give poker a shot, these people are awesome, they just want to have fun and a few drinks. Ofcourse the fun is short lived when the angry reg who players 80 hours week to make comp points, constantly berates the donk for playing any 2 cards for half their stack, or open shoving with TQs because it their favourite hand. Putting of recreational players from playing poker is so unbelievably stupid it makes you far worse at poker than that donk will ever be. If you get knocked out a by a clueless rec, just say well done and shake his hand. He will keep coming back week after week enjoying his time at the table while giving his money away.



The Sayings. You know those phrases that you may have sniggered at slightly or rolled your eyes when you first heard them but now are so overused you wakeup covered in sweat and vomit after the 11th successive speech induced nightmare.

“Flushes are hitting a lot tonight……”
“Oh I would’ve won that hand if I called all in with my t4o”
“one time” especially when used by the same person on the flop, turn and river.

The Rooms I Hate

Shitty Chairs. when sitting down and playing a tournament which can last all day it’s not to much to ask we get some comfortable chairs. Instead the poker room is equipped with chairs which look like a reject from a school computer lab in the 90s.



Bad Beat Jackpots. Taking 10% of each pot up to £5 is tough to beat, then they go and add a ‘Bad Beat Jackpot’ which adds another £1  to the total taken every hand! then, on top of that they take an ‘admin fee’ of around 25% when the jackpot hits. That’s if they don’t outright steal from it in the first place.  Bad Beat Jackpots merely cause all the tables to be full of old nits limping in to any hand with a possible BBJ hand meanwhile moaning inaudibly at anyone who dares make so much of a minraise.


The Cost. Not only are we generating rake with every hand we play, most of us will end up throwing away what little money we have left over in the pit games or some shitty cat theme slot. So why is it so hard to for the casino to give out free soft drinks and coffee? It costs them next to nothing and will be a big draw for those seeking value. I can understand not giving out alcohol because, this is England, everyone would be to shitfaced to even see their cards.

Tipping!??!? When the fuck did this come about? we’re not american, our card rooms pay the dealers at least minimum wage so why the fuck are we now expected to help supplement their income? I’ve even see people be berated for not tipping after winning a huge pot (especially if the dealer is female, like they are some how going to get incredibly aroused and want to tear the clothes of the fat, sweaty ,chicken wing eating fucktard for tipping 50p).
When you play in any Pokerstars event they now take an extra few % of any prizes you win to ‘pay the dealers’, now, correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that what the fucking rake is there for? Greedy cunts.

Don’t get me wrong, dealers have a tough job, they have to put up with a lot of shit from both players and management, but it’s a job they chose to go in to.



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